


Tu mi ami già

by eternalmurasaki



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: M/M, SecretSantaFS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21908428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalmurasaki/pseuds/eternalmurasaki
Summary: After re-reading this a few months later, I realise this needs some heavy editing. If you haven't read this yet, now is not the best moment to do so. I'll update this description as soon as this fic is edited.***Notte Stellata and outpouring love.***Prompt: "In this life there are scary things, and there are beautiful things. And they are not always different." - Zach Grey
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 22
Kudos: 74
Collections: Secret Santa's Kiss & Cry 2019





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [estriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/estriel/gifts).



Javi wants to believe he's happy.

The end of the year is packed with events: Revolution on Ice, promotional events, interviews... Javi is excited. He had never expected to receive this much support, feels blessed and welcomes the opportunities.

TV shows, interviews, photoshoots... business exchanges, new projects - he feels stuck in the middle of a magical storm. A storm of dreams coming true, dreams that require a lot of work from him, but he is happy to provide everything that is needed.

When he gets home, he welcomes the soft bed and silence greeting him.

Sleep. Rest. Recovery.

Getting batteries recharged for the next exciting storm.

***

The thing is, Laura surprises him with doubts he never expected her to have. During lunch with family one day, he realises he's been staring into the void when his sister asks: "Are you OK Javi?"

He blinks, confused.

"Sure, why?"

Laura shrugs, but Javier can tell she's pondering about something.

"Laura, what is it?"

She bites her lip and Javier is even more surprised. It's rare for her to hesitate opening up.

"Athletes sometimes say retiring is... hard to deal with," she finally says. "Even when it's a decision you didn't make in a haste, even when it's the right decision," she quickly adds when Javi starts to frown.

Javi stays quiet for a few seconds, trying to process what exactly his sister is trying to tell him.

In the end he rolls his eyes and snorts.

"Honestly Laura, do I look like I'm not happy?"

She doesn't reply. What is wrong with her today?

"If you must know, I am," he says confidently. "You know how well our projects are going, what else could I want?"

Her glance grows sharper.

"Javi, you think I'm blind? You've never been single for this long."

Wha-

Laughter bubbles in his throat because this kind of comment is the last thing he expected.

"Look Laura, being single doesn't mean I'm unhappy," he says and wonders if all this is just a joke for him to go back to looking for a girlfriend.

But Javi is incredibly busy lately, and to be honest... being alone feels like the right thing right now. Maybe a long break is what he needs.

Their dad steps in with the next dish and Laura drops the topic.

***

Javi always knew that stepping out of competitions would hit him hard - his body would welcome the rest, his exhausted competitive mind would welcome the peace of flying back home. But deep down, his heart knows he's left part of what feels like home behind. How do skaters usually do this? Does one place feel like a complete home in the end?

He wonders if unconsciously, he had known that being with Marina would never feel like _home_ when they slowly drifted apart a few months ago. Home is more than one person, more than a relationship. It's hard for him to explain what exactly is missing, as if there is an itch hiding in him somewhere.

He couldn't compete forever, he _had_ to move on. He only needs to find where exactly he wants to head. Professionally, he knows. Skating-wise, he knows. But the rest-

In the end, Javi is grateful his activities keep him busy. It's only on rare quiet evenings that his heart twitches and he wonders what this itch is. He usually interrupts his musing and tries to go to sleep. Random musing won't get him anywhere.

He gave his competitive career everything he could, right? Now it's time to do the same for Figure Skating in Spain. Time to reach out for this new dream.

***

A standing ovation, here in Spain. For him, for his team's work, for their beautiful show. For their _sold out_ show. Relief, elation, pride.

These shows aren't something new, but their success is such an accomplishment... yes, this has to be what happiness is. This is what brings him joy. _See Laura? It's not competing or a relationship that is missing. I just needed to reconnect with the ice,_ he tells himself. He knows it's more complicated than that, he has already openly told the press what it was he missed, but he's too tired to focus on it now.

The next morning, he is a bit surprised to wake up with his Olympic bronze medal next to his pillow. He groans as his hangover hits in - a few celebratory drinks with the team had felt like a good idea but maybe, just maybe, they took it a little bit too far. He stretches out to grab his phone - if he did anything unreasonable someone will have told him.

He blinks in surprise when he sees that Yuzu sent him a message.

_'_ 😂  
 _I think about it too._  
 _Good night Javi_ 😊  
 _Drink water'_

Uh oh. He scrolls up and looses his breath.

Did he do _that_? Yes he did.

He took a drunk selfie and sent it.

A drunk selfie of him _kissing his bronze medal_.

Javi groans again for a whole other reason. What the fuck had been going through his mind?? If he even had a mind left. He reads his own message and wants to die from embarrassment.

_'Pyegchzng was peefect. I'm thinking about it. About you.'_

Jesus.

He never messages Yuzu, other than to give him congratulations for his competitions. If he felt like doing so he should have just waited until he was sober. Considering the time at which he sent that message, it must have been just before falling asleep.

He checks what he'd been up to on his phone: he'd been on youtube... but he hadn't been watching his own Olympic performances. He hadn't even been watching Seimei... but Notte Stellata.

Javier closes his eyes and takes a deep breath... did it take him drinking to unearth emotions he'd tried to wrap up and store away?

The only other time he'd watched a Notte Stellata video had been on the night of the Pyeongchang gala. Alone in his hotel room. It had been a video from another gala, the Olympic one not being available yet, but still...

He had refrained from thinking about how he'd felt that night for so long. Why had his mind decided to take him there last night?

Why? ...He knows why. Because Yuzu has been a part of what made skating his source of joy for so many years. Perhaps it was the joy he felt last night that took him there.

But why Notte Stellata in particular?

_'I'm thinking about it. About you.'_

Javi squeezes his eyes shut. This was almost two years ago, what's the point of thinking about it now? He's made peace with this, right? Peace with what never happened, what was never said.

He wants to believe that this isn't the itch that is bothering him. Wants to believe that ignoring it for so long was a sign that he had moved on-

A notification on his screen interrupts his train of thoughts.

A message from Laura.

_'I believe in you Javier. Whatever it is you are scared of... fight it. You can do this, mr champion.'_

Javi frowns... so he'd drunk-texted her too? He swallows and scrolls up. Suddenly, his chest constricts and the sadness he had attempted to push away takes over.

_'I think you are right. I'm not happy. Just scared.'_

Scared.

Scared of admitting he _isn't_ happy.

Of admitting that ignoring _isn't_ processing.

That he doesn't feel like he actually gave his competing years everything he could. Not where competition content was concerned but... where his heart lied.

The night of the gala had to be his biggest regret and Notte Stellata would always remind him of the emotional turmoil.

A special night where they both ignored what they wanted...

A special night where a simple brush of fingers had made him regret his decision to leave. Their eyes had spoken so much... and yet he hadn't found the courage to face this feelings.

_"Are you busy... with your family tonight, Javi?"_

Yuzu's hesitant voice, as they headed backstage to get changed.

All day. All evening. The affection in Yuzu's eyes had been overwhelming. And electricity had been in the air... in a gentle manner. There had been nothing unusual about their touches, nothing new, but Javi had felt his heart thumping in his chest harder than ever. Their last gala together. And considering Yuzu's condition, he had been worried this would be Yuzu's last gala alltogether. Javi takes another deep breath.

Yuzu had stayed a perfect friend after that. His affection was never hidden, and it was always a joy for Javier to see him. But on that gala night, Javier knows they had been on the verge of opening up to share a different kind of love. Of course Javi had had other plans... and after that, Yuzuru never asked him again.

This isn't the first time he thinks about it. Not being single had made him try to convince himself that telling Yuzu he'd be busy all night had been the right decision, but now...

Damn it. Yuzu had deserved all the love in the world that night. Javi had wanted to hold him... it hadn't even been about anything sexual necessarily happening right then. While watching that Notte Stellata performance in his hotel room... he had wished he had held Yuzu in his arms until he fell asleep. Wished he had stroked his face and whispered to him how precious he was to the world, and to _himself._ Kissed his hair, his temple to find a way to tell him without words how much he means to him.

Javi rubs his face, all traces of sleep gone.

_'I believe in you Javier. Whatever it is you are scared of... fight it. You can do this, mr champion.'_

Maybe now is the right time to face his fears.

Maybe the first step would be to voice it out loud to himself.

"I love Yuzu."


	2. Chapter 2

Javier rarely messages Yuzuru, it just isn't something they do. Yuzu is therefore surprised when one night, out of nowhere, he receives a National Geographic link from him.

_'Did you see this?_   
_https://youtu.be/v3O9vNi-dkA_   
_We should go there, someday.'_

Yuzu blinks at his screen. Clicks.

Untouched dark ice, beautiful nature. He definitely hadn't expected this... the sight is breathtaking, but does Javi honestly want them to go to Sweden?? He grins, amused.

_'Sweden? Hmm... Gotenburg competition is too far.'_

All he gets back is a laughing emoji... at least they are both on the same page. This was a joke, right?

 _'It's pretty👍'_ he adds, to show some appreciation. Bites his lip, then adds some more, _'How are you? Coming to Toronto soon?_ 😜 _'_

Keep it light, keep it a joke. He can picture the face Javi must be doing - a grin, a warm gaze.

 _'If you promise to come to skate on a lake with me, maybe?_ 😜 _'_

Ok, Javi is making fun of his use of emojis, time to go to sleep. Yuzu puts his phone down (after replying with a simple '😤') and closes his eyes.

That emoji certainly doesn't express how content he feels, but Javi must know that, right?

He briefly wonders if Javi skipped his first question on purpose, then falls asleep.

***

The next day goes as usual - this is his monk life, dedicated to the ice. He enjoys the familiar sounds, carefully analyses every move, every trace.

Geometry, circles, arcs.

It _would_ be interesting to see such marks on dark ice indeed... to hear sounds that are unbelievably different to the ones he's used to at rinks. It would however probably not be safe to jump there, Yuzu muses and shakes his head. Frozen lakes aren't his thing. He is supposed to focus on where he is _now_ , and on his quad pals.

What a pity Javi isn't here to show him his perfect quads instead of distracting him with unexpected stories, but Yuzu decides not to tell him that.

Lutz pal is waiting for him, time to get back to work.

***

Yuzu glances at the precious autograph he'd asked Javi for on his Ipod and slowly brushes his thumb against it. Seeing Javi in Toronto again to prepare for Japan Open had been lovely but it had also been way too short. At least with this signature, Yuzu has something material from Javi with him.

He'd initially jokingly told him that he'd look at it every time he missed a quad sal, as a reminder of what a perfect quad sal is supposed to be like, but maybe Javier remembers other more open words Yuzu had publicly used about him.

Yuzu hopes he does.

He'd prepared that message so carefully, and even if time has flown, the words stay true:

_'We are always together'_

Yuzu looks up his favorite playlists and makes a new one to listen to while preparing for NHK. He then presses play, exhales and closes his eyes.

***

Yuzuru probably ought to get used to Javi regurlarly messaging him by now, but he doesn't. What exactly is going on here? Is Javier testing grounds with the thought of coming back to Toronto to start working as a coach? It would be funny if this time Javi asked him if he could come to TCC. Yuzu snorts, he knows that if by some kind of miracle Javi _does_ decide to come back, he will know it's absolutely not necessary to ask for his permission.

Javi has to know Yuzu would only welcome him with open arms, right?

...Yuzu hopes he does.

The start of this season has been alright, Yuzuru is healthy so far and that is what matters most. Although he did occasionally open up to the press about how anxious he had been before NHK, he refrained from messaging Javi about it. Their exchanges have stayed light until now, it's only when they meet that they usually dig deeper into how they are doing... and Yuzu is used to refraining from bringing up what's wrong anyway, if no context justifies it.

Still, Javi does message him _'I'm proud of you. You did it._ 💪 _'_ after the free and Yuzu lets himself affectionately stare at the words before he falls asleep that night.

He always knew Javi cared. He thinks Javi can guess what mental state he was in - maybe he even listened to a few interviews. No matter what, his congratulations mean the world to him. Because Yuzu knows they come from his heart.

With that thought, Yuzu falls asleep with a warm feeling that he's made peace with his fear of the second Grand Prix. Like Javi said, _he did it._

***

November has flown by but words stay. Yuzu is busy working hard most days, but he sometimes does look back at seemingly random messages Javi sends him. What is this weird world he now lives in? They don't even only talk about skating anymore.

 _'What are your plans for Christmas?'_ Javi asks.

Plans? He just won't move for a while. He knows the end of the year is going to be tough, he hasn't even finished recovering from NHK and yet there are still GPF and Nationals coming up.

So yes, his only plan is to stay in one place and rest, he tells Javi. The other doesn't immediately reply, although Yuzu does see dots show up, then disappear.

He blinks, confused, then asks Javi about his own plans.

The answer tells him about Revolution on Ice, but nothing about his personal life.

Yuzu hesitates to ask about his girlfriend (are they even still together?) but before he makes up his mind, Javi asks him what program he intends to use in Torino for the gala and Yuzu unexpectedly feels his heart beat quicker.

Why exactly is he getting this worked up again? It's not like Javi will be there to see it... it's not like Javi will be there to share new precious gala experiences with him.

Yuzuru breathes in slowly and tries to relax. This program is precious to him for many reasons. His memories linked to Javi are only part of it.

A big part of it, according to his heartrate.

 _'Something precious to me. You'll see_ 🤫 _'_

Somehow, he feels like if he told Javi what program he intended to do, he would feel like he was caught red-handed. Because the truth is... he hopes Javi will watch. He hopes Javi will remember untold emotions Yuzu will never forget.

He hasn't forgotten Javi's drunk message that started this whole thing. He still wonders which part exactly of Pyeongchang Javi had been thinking of that night and wishes he could just ask... but maybe if he brings back memories by skating to Notte Stellata, Javi will say something.

The night of GPF gala, Yuzu's feelings are a mess... his emotions on all topics are overwhelming. This precious location. His performance. His silver.

The Pyeongchang memories - the ones the public knows about, the ones they don't.

It is hard for him to decipher what would be reasonable to tell and what wouldn't be, it's already hard for him as it is to acknowledge how he feels.

He is exhausted. He misses his rivalry with Javi. How he wishes Javi was here tonight...

Silver always spikes motivation in him, his enthusiasm during the press conference hadn't been a lie. But nothing, nothing will ever beat the fire Javi set in him.

The urge to win. The pride of his victories. The unusual mix of affection and frustration...

Love, fight. Fire, embraces.

No, nothing would ever beat that and Yuzu is so grateful he got to experience such a beautiful rivalry. Grateful and happy, even if Javi doesn't share the same kind of feelings. Happy but frustrated because damn it... he misses him so bad.

Yuzu brushes his tears away and is relieved that no one saw this unexpected outburst of emotions in his hotelroom.

He knows crying is sometimes necessary to make peace with pain - at least, this time it is not physical pain, Yuzu tells himself and smiles weakly.

He is later tucked in bed when he receives a message from his dearest rival.

_'Yuzu. I want to see you.'_

Oh... trust Javi to make Yuzu cry again.

This GPF has just been too much... from his fears to his reckless efforts. From his silver to his physical accomplishments. Then the gala... Yuzu needs to let it out.

How grateful he is that he is alone in his hotelroom... no one should see him like this. No one, except Javi. But not today.

Today, holding his I-pod against his heart as he falls asleep will do.

Today, mouthing a confession he will never write to an empty room will do.

"I still love you, Javi."

Javi's message stays unanswered. But of course Yuzu wants to see him too.


	3. Chapter 3

The outside world doesn't exist, only Yuzu's bed does. He tries not to think too much about the emotional experience Nationals has been. He had thought he was the most exhausted he would ever be at GPF, but how wrong he was.

Yuzuru however knows what works best for him. Focus on the next step. Focus on his health.

For now, the next step is only to rest and recover. A well-earned holiday... with an unbelievable bonus: a week-end away with Javi.

Javier had firmly told him he would have to take a break before Nationals had even started and Yuzuru strongly suspects his massive eyebags have something to do with it.

_'Your mom agrees. A week-end off is mandatory. Just choose: Japan or Canada and we'll take care of the rest.'_

The nerve! Javi had exchanged with his mom?? His mother certainly looked amused and Yuzu wonders if he's going crazy.

He'd put those thoughts off his mind during the competition, tried not to overthink about it during the days he spent with his family but during the flight back to Canada, he felt on the edge.

"I heard you have a very special week-end planned," Brian tells him on his first day back at TCC with a grin and Yuzu gives in and lightly punches his belly.

"Why do everyone know??!!"

Brian just laughs and reassures him that no, not everyone knows. Just him. And Tracy. And Ghislain. And David. And-

Yuzu groans.

"And Jeffrey and Shae-Lynn and that's all, I promise"

What the hell. What the hell??

Other skaters are arriving so Yuzu decides to drop the topic, but Brian skates up to him to pat his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Yuzu," he says more seriously. "It's just us. Your TCC family."

Yuzu looks down and nods, lips pursed. Of course he knows he can trust them. He exhales.

"O-kay... today is Lutz day," he says after a beat. They both know Yuzu isn't actually worried.

Brian gives him a last pat and calls Ghislain.

***

The outside world doesn't exist for a whole other reason when Yuzu is sitting in the passenger's seat next to Javi as they drive out of Toronto. He has no idea where they are going, he didn't even get to take care of all of his packing - his mother added a mysterious bag, supposedly containing items that belong to him.

He and Javi bicker a bit about the mystery surrounding this trip at first, but Yuzu isn't actually annoyed. Who could actually be annoyed with someone with a smile as pretty as Javi's? He tries to ignore the way his heart is fluttering in his chest... this man has organised a whole week-end just for him. This man has flown all the way from Spain for him and has been sending him the kindest words...

What the hell is going on??

Yuzu considers asking him during the drive, but thinks the car might not be the best place to have a potentially emotional conversation. He nonetheless can't help wondering. Is Javi about to announce something important? He'd asked Brian if he intended to already start coaching soon. Hell, he'd even asked Brian if Javi was about to get married and the only answer he got was a laugh.

Ok, if Brian knows nothing, then maybe Javi has no big news to announce...

Unless...

Unless like his retirement announcement, it's something Javi wants to tell him first. But what could that be?

Yuzu is growing restless, he _has_ to ask. He takes advantage of them being stuck at a red light to bring it up.

"Javi... do you have big news for me?"

Javi stares at him, obviously confused.

"What kind of big news??"

Yuzu shrugs uncomfortably.

"I don't know. Like... um... are you expecting a baby? Getting mar-"

Javi's jaw drops and he immediately starts laughing to tears.

"Yuzu?? Did you hit your head at Nationals and no-one told me??"

He wipes his eyes and looks back at the street when the cars behind honk their horns.

"How am I supposed to get married if I'm single?? Even more so... expect a baby? Oh god..."

Javi shakes his head disbelievingly. Good thing he's a careful driver that focuses on the road because Yuzu is pretty sure he's blushing. Javi is single. _Javi is single._ Yuzu swallows and tries to act normally.

"I thought... you came here for something like that."

Javi peers at him disbelievingly, then looks back at the road and stays quiet for a few moments.

"I just want to spend time with you, Yuzu."

He's not looking at him this time. Yuzu sees his eyebrows twitch slightly. Either something on the street is bothering him, or-

"I miss you," Javi adds and does turn around this time, his face openly affectionate and Yuzu stops breathing.

Javi's expression switches to a sweet scrontchy grin - something more familiar, something easier to deal with. Yuzu responds likewise.

"I miss you too. I'm happy you came... really happy."

If after so little time together Yuzu already feels the urge to hug Javi, he wonders how he will survive one whole week-end.

***

The drive is longer than expected. At first the runway is packed, then it gradually clears up. One thing is reassuring, no car is following them. That is one of the reasons Yuzu had asked Javi to choose a place in Canada... there were more chances for them to actually get to have a 'normal' week-end there than in Japan.

"I said I didn't want to change timezones again," Yuzu whines when Javi doesn't say where they are going.

"I am sorry for the long trip," he says with an apologetic face. "We are almost there, I promise."

"I'm kidding, Javi. Take your time."

Any time with Javi would be precious time. Even stuck in a car in an unknown snowy landscape.

It turns out that Javi wasn't lying - after driving for half an hour up a hill with only a handfull of houses between the trees, Javi stops in front of a driveway and steps out to open the gate.

Yuzuru sits up straighter and looks at their surroundings. Nice mysterious driveway with lots of snowy pines. Good thing his mother required him to wear his warmest clothes. A few meters further, they finally stop in front of a small lodge.

The area doesn't get any higher than a few hills, but winter weather certainly doesn't make the lodges look out of place.

Javi suddenly looks nervous. Why would he be nervous?

"Ok, we're here," he says to himself and steps out of the car. Yuzu follows him and helps him take two suitcases to the front door where he fumbles for a few moments looking for the key.

Then finally, they step in.

Javi turns on the light and walks to the opposite door to open the shutters on what looks like a balcony.

The place looks nice and cosy. Simple furniture... a big fireplace with a big couch and fluffy carpet - it looks synthetic but Yuzu's toes already can't wait to sink in it. He is considering taking off his shoes when-

"Yuzu? Come and see!"

Yuzu looks towards the balcony... the view looks beautiful even from far inside the living room. A clear view on barely inhabited slopes. Only beautiful trees covered in white, only-

Yuzu stops walking. His jaw drops.

"Can you see it?" Javi asks, looking over his shoulder, visibly elated.

Just under their balcony is a frozen lake.

Javi booked a lodge for them... a lodge next to a frozen lake.

"Javi..."

Yuzu can't speak, he's... how can he have a clear thought?

"Javi..."

"I hope you like it."

Yuzu tries to pull himself together, steps out to stand next to him and finally finds his voice.

"This is beautiful."

What he doesn't say is that Javi's happy smile is even more beautiful.

***

After unpacking, Yuzu isn't surprised to see that his mother packed his skating boots for him. They first have some tea (coffee for Javi) and have a look around the lodge. There is a room upstairs that Javi tells him to take, him having planned to use the couch.

"It's one of those couches that converts into a bed," he explains, but Yuzu only shrugs non-committally. A bed right in front of the fireplace?? Why should Javi have that, not him? He however decides to not comment on it now.

It is a bit late for lunch, but they decide to still have a bite before heading back outside - to skate of course.

Yuzu is glad he has the warmest winter gear once they step on the snow. He isn't used to skating with such a thick jumper and coat on, but his priority is not to get sick.

The silence is peaceful, broken only by the sounds of their feet and occasional gusts of wind. Sometimes they hear birds chirping, nothing else.

Javi taps the ice with his toe pick.

"Looks solid enough. But maybe I should try first-"

Yuzu pokes at his lower lip in thought.

"Did you ask the people here if it's okay?"

"They said it's safe this week."

Yuzuru smiles.

"What are we waiting for then??" he says and off he goes.

He ignores the way the different sound makes him slightly nervous. If Javi says it's safe, then it's safe.

Javi is quick to follow him but is louder at expressing his surprise.

"Wow, this is... different."

They however quickly get used to it and enjoy the pleasure of skating with such a pretty landscape around them. Soon, Javi is racing after Yuzu until Yuzu slips and slides for a few feet with a squeak.

Javi helps him up with a grin, their breath freezing before their eyes.

"Too bad Misha isn't here to take funny pictures," Yuzu says.

Javi's smile seems to suddenly turns a bit awkward. When was Javi ever awkward before?

"We can take a picture if you want," Javi says and takes out his phone. Yuzu suddenly wants to laugh and he doesn't even know why. Isn't it strange?

"What is it Yuzu? If you don't want a pic with me just say so."

Good, a teasing Javi is a normal Javi.

"Let's take a picture and send it to Brian and Tracy," Javi says and Yuzu can't hold back, he snorts.

"You mean Brian, Tracy, Ghislain, Jeffrey and Shae-Lynn?"

Javi frowns.

"What?"

"Since they know we're here-"

Except Javi surprisingly looks flabberghasted.

"They do?? Oh. You told them?"

Now Yuzu is the one confused.

"No? I thought you did?"

They probably both think the culprit is the same person - Brian.

Yuzu uses the distraction to snatch Javi's camera:

"O-kay Javier Fernandez. I'm filming. Give us a quad sal."

Javier groans.

"Have you seen how I'm dressed??"

"Give us a spin, then. A sober one this time."

Javi punches his arm and skates away.


	4. Chapter 4

Javi had wondered how seeing Yuzu again after confronting his personal fear would feel. He knew he would be happy, knew he would be nervous... but he never would have guessed he would often surprise himself with the thought _'I love this man'_.

Regularly messaging him wasn't anywhere near the magical experience that it had been to spend years training together, seeing each other, talking and motivating each other everyday. But there was a new kind of magic that he was discovering: a feeling of being true to himself. Of being exactly who he wants to be. Acting sincerely.

Not that his earlier experiences had been a lie... but how can you be true to yourself when you are too scared, or maybe just not ready to discover who you truly are?

Javi is still learning, he knows not everything is black or white, knows that change doesn't invalidate the truth of who one was previously. He still can't clearly explain how, why or when exactly this shift started... but what matters is that he knows he is doing the right thing now.

Facing his fear just like Yuzu did at NHK.

Both fears aren't comparable, Javi feels ridiculous thinking of both of their battles at the same time but...

A battle stays a battle.

If Yuzu won against his fear, he can win too.

As they both take a seat on the couch to relax after skating for way too long, he stares at Yuzuru's blissful face under the warm sunset.

How can he be scared of this gentle, beautiful feeling?

"That was amaazing..." Yuzu says tiredly.

Javi is blissful too.

***

After dinner during the end of sunset, they take a break because Yuzu asks Javi if he would mind them using the fireplace. A few attempts later, fire is blazing and Javi takes out a bottle of wine.

"I brought some juice too, if you want. But I think you might be curious to taste this one... look at its name."

Yuzu looks down at the bottle and his eyebrows shoot up.

"Otonal??"

Javi smiles, happy at the sight of his surprise.

"Yep"

Yuzu is obviously hesitating and Javi has to say, he'd missed seeing all those pretty faces he made.

"Ok. I taste. Just a small bit."

Eyes twinkling, Javi goes to fetch two glasses and opens the bottle.

The fire is crackling when they clink their glasses to a "Kampaiii" and take a sip.

"Do you like it?"

Yuzu half shrugs, half nods and Javi wants to laugh and tries to hold back.

"Of course, your Otonal is better."

Yuzu smirks and geez... Javi didn't expect to suddenly feel all hot and bothered. Yuzu's next words don't exactly help.

"You can't exactly drink it."

Javi almost chokes on the sip he'd been about to swallow. He tries to pull himself together while Yuzu blinks at him, amused, then absently looks out the window. Something must be going through his mind, because Yuzuru looks distracted.

The sunlight has by now almost completely faded away, the warm colors now only coming from their fireplace. Javi cuts a cake Yuzu's mom had kindly provided and they settle on the couch intead of going back to the table.

"Thank you for today, Javi," Yuzu says quietly after a few minutes. "I don't know why you did all this... but I'm happy."

Javier feels tongue-tied. What can he reply to that? He can tell Yuzu is trying to read his face. But he doesn't know how to put what he's feeling into words. How can he do this?

He takes a deep breath.

"You've been working hard this season. And it was your birthday. I don't know, I just... wanted to do something for you."

"You've been working hard too, Javi."

Javi shrugs. Yes, he has, but this isn't what this is about.

Yuzu watches him carefully. Then takes out his phone.

"Let's watch something together. Like... have you ever seen Trusova's quads?"

Javi breathes and smiles. Familiar ground. Watching and commenting on skating, maybe that is what they need to start...

Then Yuzu tucks himself against his side and holds his phone between them.

***

Hearing Yuzu's comments so close... gradually wrapping an arm around his shoulders... Javi needs to close his eyes for a few seconds. Yuzu has just leaned his head against the side of his neck and this is different from their usual poses. Yuzu certainly feels that Javier's breath has quickened, his cheek is so close to the top of his pec...

Javi tries to focus on what Yuzu was saying.

"-stars are out."

"What?"

Yuzu can tell he wasn't focusing and smiles gently. He puts his phone down and nudges towards the closest window.

"I said, the stars are out."

Javi follows his gaze. Indeed, the night sky is full of stars. A magical sight only possible far away from large towns.

"Too bad I didn't bring my Notte Stellata outfit. Imagine that. On the lake under the stars, it would be fitting," Yuzu muses softly, still tucked against his side. Javi gently squeezes his shoulder.

"That would be... beautiful."

Yuzuru looks up at him and then snorts into his shoulder.

"Beautiful? I'd be wearing my huge coat. Impossible to do a Biellmann, I'd just look-"

"Yuzu," Javi breathes. "You don't need your Notte Stellata outfit to be beautiful."

Javi hates his treacherous chest. Hates his treacherous mouth. Wishes he had found something smarter to say.

"Just be you. It's more than enough."

He needs to look away. He can't look at Yuzu right now.

Breathe.

Think.

Why _can't_ he think??

"Javi..." Yuzu's fingers clutch at his shirt. "Javi, look at me."

Javi feels Yuzu move... oh no, is he leaving now? Shit, he fucked up-

No. Yuzu's fingers are on his cheek, gently making him turn back to face him.

"Javi..." that small thumb of his is brushing Javi's cheek and suddenly Javi wants to cry.

"I'm sorry Yuzu," he whispers, breathless. "I'm sorry."

What is he even saying? Why is he bringing that up now?? Javi's tongue has decided to disobey him.

"You have nothing to apologize for Javi, nothing," Yuzu murmurs and Javi is suddenly grateful for his gentle strokes, he never expected to break down now. Never expected to feel the urge to open up this way.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to realise I-. I wanted to stay. That night."

Another stroke, silence.

Yuzu presses their foreheads together, waits for him to continue.

Javi's mouth feels dry. He can't stop now... in the end, Yuzu deserves to know.

"I wanted to... hold you. Love you. But I didn't know, I..."

Yuzu's breath is getting heavier too. His hands have slided down to his chest and are clutching at his shirt again- but in a different way.

Oh, Javi wants Yuzu to never have to suffer again, never.

"Pyeongchang is so long ago. But I still... Yuzu." A beat of silence. Hearts thudding so close to each other. "I still love you."

A clutch. A wet neck, and-

Is that a giggle against his neck?

"Yuzu?"

Yuzu looks back up at him, his face is wet with tears but... he's smiling and this is better than any smile Javi has ever seen from him on a podium.

"I will always love you Javi. Always."

***

Yuzu never leaves his arms, they in the end decide to both sleep on the couch.

Yuzu laughs every time Javi tells him he feels dumb and hadn't planned to confess like that, but his embarrassment is worth the sense of freedom he feels.

Hey, if Yuzu knows his feelings, he might as well confess everything.

"I stand by what I said earlier about your outfit. But... that night I sent you that kiss selfie, I'd been watching Notte Stellata."

He blushes, Yuzu cackles... and gosh... what are they waiting for?

He interrupts Yuzu's cackle by gently holding his face.

"It's you I want to kiss, Yuzu," he breathes and that smart bastard smirks again... he has to know what that does to him.

"Kiss me, Javier Fernandez" he murmurs, and Javi does.

And doesn't intend to stop anytime soon.


End file.
